Dear Dad

Today is the anniversary of my dad's passing. He died almost 20 years ago...yet it doesn't feel that way...I still remember him very vividly...funny the things I remember about him. I'm more like my mom than like my dad...I think my sister has more of a personality like my dad. Isn't that always the way...one child takes after one of their parents more than the other? I think that is true of my kids too...my son is definitely more like my husband was when he was alive...and my daughter is definitely a Type A like me.

I was thinking about my dad this morning...Sunday morning...as I drank my tea and ate my bowl of cereal. My dad really wasn't a tea drinker...he was more of a coffee drinker. He used to get up very early in the morning...eat his breakfast and walk to the subway to catch the train to work in the city. He was a mailman...always delivering the mail...and sometimes when he had extra magazines that were undeliverable he would bring them home to me and my sister...guess that's why I still like to read so many magazines.

My dad would take naps when he came home from work...right before dinner...but you could always find him in 'his blue chair' after dinner...reading The New York Post...yes...his blue chair with the blue ottoman was where my dad would park himself after dinner and relax until bedtime...which was usually around 10:00 pm.

Sometimes, we would watch television together...I didn't have a television in my bedroom like I do now...there was no VCR...or DVD player in those days...and there weren't hundreds of channels to flip through either. At first, we didn't even have a remote (can you imagine...how did we live when we had to get up and walk over to the television each time we wanted to change the channel...oh my...I don't know if my kids would have survived like I did).

I loved to watch shows with my dad...we would watch The Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday evenings...and we used to watch The Sunny and Cher Show together too...my dad would always comment on Sunny's outfits and long hair. Then there was The Tom Jones Show...yes...we would watch Tom Jones sing and dance around the stage and throw his wet handkerchief into the screaming crowd of women. There was also The Honeymooners with Jackie Gleason... and I Love Lucy...oh, how we enjoyed these shows...and we laughed a lot...yes...my dad and I laughed a lot together.

When he wasn't in his mailman's uniform, my dad was a pretty good dresser. He was very proud of the sports jackets and pants that the tailor would sew for him...and he always looked pretty spiffy when he went out with my mom...they were a spiffy couple...my mom had a bouffant hairdo and my dad was the Aqua Velva man.

I loved to play penny ball with my dad...we would put a penny on the ground and each of us would stand about 3 feet away from it on either side...then we would throw the Spaulding and try to hit the penny...the first person to reach 10 hits was the winner...sometimes we counted to 20...what fun we had.

My dad had a good sense of humor...glad he passed that personality trait onto me...when the going gets tough...I often think of my dear dad...wonder if he were alive today...what would he think of the lives we live...how much busier they are...how fast paced they are...but there are still mailmen like my dear dad who deliver our mail...and there's still time for penny ball...think I'll have to go buy myself a Spaulding...wonder if my kids will play penny ball with me now that the weather is warming up?

Judi

Letting Go

I'm packing...packing up my husband's clothes...I'm crying...the tears are flowing...I'm grieving...I'm mourning...I'm letting go...letting go of a part of my soulmate that I lost when he left me just four short months ago.

It's not fair...I thought as I folded his blue and gray sweatpants and put them in the box for Goodwill...the sweatpants that he used to wear to the gym...the sweatpants that he practically lived in day in and day out.

It's not fair...I thought as I took the blue hoodie off the hanger and placed it in the large black garbage bag...I really wanted to wrap it around me...yes, wrap it around me like my husband used to do when he wore that hoodie...sure wish he were still around to give me one of his 'big blue hoodie hugs.'

It's not fair...I thought as I piled up his shoes and his boots and assembled them neatly in another big brown box...perhaps another large man will be able to use these size 14 shoes and boots now that they are no longer needed here.

I didn't pack the blue and white striped long-sleeve shirt...nope...I left that one on the hanger...I always loved when my husband wore that shirt...he always looked so handsome with his dark hair against the blue and white stripes.

...and I didn't pack his blue Giants jersey either...nor the gray Yankee sweatshirt...I'm keeping these two shirts too.

...and I just cannot bear to throw out his ratty old gray slippers...the slippers that he wore every evening...the slippers that are so stretched from wear that they made noise every time he walked across the kitchen floor...yes...I always knew when he was in the kitchen.

...and I'm also going to keep his old cotton jacket with the Pebble Beach logo on it...it was his favorite jacket that he bought one summer while we were vacationing in California...he bought it at the Pebble Beach Pro Shop...it was many years ago...but I remember...yes, I remember that trip...it will always have memories in my heart...and that jacket will always have a special place in my coat closet...even though it does have a big dirty stain on the front of the jacket (and to think I let him wear it like that...he loved that jacket...but it did annoy me...I tried to get that lousy stain out of the jacket...but no matter how much Shout and Cheer detergent I used...it would never come clean...but, he wore it anyway)...I had planned to get him a new one for our 25th anniversary next year...guess I can just keep the old stained one now...yes...it will always have a hanger to hang on.

But, I'm going to give away his suits...and his extra-long ties...and I still have more packing to do...yes, there's lots more packing to do...but I am starting this process of 'letting go'...sure is hard to let go of those you love.

As Judith Viorst says in her book "Necessary Losses"..."There is plenty we have to give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without losing and leaving and letting go."

It's not fair...I thought...life's just not fair.

Judi

Among the Literary Crowd

I went back to college yesterday...not to visit my daughter in college...or to do a college tour with my son...I went to college for me...I went to Rutgers University's Spring Writers' Conference...to learn how to be a better writer.

But, "am I a writer?," I thought to myself as I sat among the literary crowd...it did feel good to consider myself a writer like some of the others in the room... a full-fledged writer...at least for one whole day.

I went to workshops in the morning on Creative Non-Fiction with published author Jane Bernstein, who also teaches at Carnegie Mellon...and I went to an afternoon session on Writing Memoirs with David Matthews...and I had lunch with other writers and attended the Reading after lunch...oh...I felt like such a literary person.

I listened attentively when each author read from their books. Jane Bernstein read from her story about her daughter Rachel...who has disabilities...it was such a touching story about the relationship between a mother and her daughter...and I listened to Richard McCann as he read from his upcoming memoir about his life's ups and downs during his liver transplant...and my favorite...my favorite reading was from the poet Rachel Hadas...it was as if she were doing a personal reading to me...she read from "The River of Forgetfulness," a book of her poems...yes...it was her poem called "The Gift" that so resonated with me...of course I had to buy this book of poetry...and I've re-read "The Gift" several times this weekend...it is so great...I have to share it:

The Gift

Women in their fifties
are the recipients of an equivocal gift
Not yet conspicuous for being decrepit,
we're evidently more than old enough
to turn transparent. And this new cloaked state
enables us to hear astonishing
news from friends, acquaintances, and sometimes
strangers, all of whom do not so much
look at as through us; lean in, then gaze out
over our shoulders in search of something
unseen, unseeable
Why am I telling you this?
I more and more am asked. Because I'm here,
and am invisible. At just the moment
life draws one concealing curtain, though,
another veil is being lifted. Youth's
haze disperses, and I see distinctly
through the one-way mirror of the years.

What a glorious poem...what an inspiring day...if you had asked me a year ago if I would be spending a Saturday...a precious Saturday in April at a writer's conference...I likely would have questioned even the proposition...but now...now I am 50...I am a writer...I am proud of my prose...and it feels good to be among the literary crowd.

Judi

Longevity

I've learned this year that life is fleeting...we're really on this earth for such a short time...so we should enjoy every moment to the fullest...and try to live as long as possible...so naturally...thinking the way I think nowadays...I was intrigued by "The Secrets to Longevity" that was featured in Cooper University Hospital's Health Connection newsletter that I received the other day in the mail...secrets to longevity...I must read these tips I thought...especially if there are 'secrets'...who doesn't like a good secret?

Soooo...here's what it says:

You can live longer (yes, I want to do this) and live better (even better...of course I want to do this too) by:

- Eating food loaded with antioxidants - you can minimize damage caused by free radicals. Okay...I can do this...I can eat foods with antioxidants...I do like some foods with antioxidants...and I am glad that summer is coming so I can load up on blueberries...my favorite food with antioxidants...and I just started drinking Snapple antioxidant WA+ER...it's not too bad...I don't like flavored water...but this new Snapple water wasn't too bad...I tried the Grape Pomegranate variety...it is enhanced with antioxidants like Vitamins A & E and Grape Seed Extract...I was immediately sold when I read the editorial copy on the side of the bottle - "Have you ever searched for the fountain of youth, whose water would allow you to live forever? (Yes, I have searched for my fountain of youth and continue to search for my fountain...but not in my water...thank you...I would rather just go back to Italy...back to the Trevi Fountain and enjoy some good pizza.)Frankly we don't think it exists." (Okay...forget this...why should I drink any more of this Snapple water if it is not going to allow me to live forever...I can just drink tap water...but then I won't get my antioxidants...and the free radicals are going to continue to attack my body...this is a tough decision.)

- Keeping your cholesterol low - you can slow the hardening of your arteries and protect your heart. I'm trying to do this...trying to keep my cholesterol in check...but I take Zetia...and I am more confused after reading all the recent reports on this drug...I can't wait to go to see my cardiologist and see if I should stay on this drug...who knows if it is good or bad for me...hope my arteries are staying unclogged...I want to protect my heart so it keeps beating for a long time.(Okay, I did cheat this week and eat some chocolate chip pudding cake...love that pudding cake...but it is likely contributing to the hardening of my arteries...I better not buy these pudding cakes any more...or if I do I should freeze it right away...freeze it in slices instead of leaving the entire cake sitting on the counter...in perfect bird's eye view every day...or better yet...maybe I should buy the bland vanilla pudding cake...the flavor that is my least favorite...this way I won't want to eat it every day.)

- Practicing mental fitness - you can keep your brain sharp. My husband used to do crossword puzzles all the time...my mom does crossword puzzles too...but I don't like crossword puzzles...I'm not good at crossword puzzles...they frustrate me...I never think of the right letters or words to fit in the squares...maybe I should read the dictionary...and learn more new words...that would be a good mental exercise...then maybe I would be better at completing a crossword puzzle.

- Following screening guidelines for common conditions in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond. Well, since the first three decades are already past...it's too late to catch up on my screenings...but I always have done my yearly mammogram and pap test (very important...I agree)...and I already did do two colonoscopies in the past 10 years...and I have my cholesterol checked bi-annually...better make sure I keep my appointments up-to-date if I want to live a long life.

- Keeping your medical information current and organized. They are right...I need to organize my medical information...and make sure it is current...maybe I should set aside an empty drawer in my dresser and organize all my medical information...if it is going to help my longevity...then I will throw out some of my old clothes and make room for more medical information...I'm a good organizer...I'll put this on my 'to do' list for sometime during the next year.

- Quitting those bad habits - particularly smoking. I don't have to worry about this bad habit...never smoked and don't plan to...A+ for me.

- Living stress free. Oops...this likely makes up for the lack of smoking...I may get an A+ for not smoking...but I get a D+ for stress...it is likely going to impact my longevity...glad I just signed up for a stress management workshop for the next eight weeks...now I'm especially glad I'm going...I am going...yes...I'm going to go...I promise.

- Being social. The meter just shot up again...I'm social...I like going out...I like meeting new people...I'm a social being...wow...I didn't know that being social will add years to my life...I better make more dates to do things...where should I go...I do want to go to the Philadelphia Museum of Art to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit...and I want to go to NYC to see the new color exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art...and to see the new rendition of South Pacific (love that show...and the music too)...and maybe I should be really social and book my trip to France to see the Louvre...and Provence...wonder if I am social in a foreign country if it will add even more years to my life...and if I add the wine with all the antioxidants...well...well...well...I knew there were several good reasons why I had to go to Provence this year...not only to celebrate my 50th birthday...but because of longevity...think I'll bring along a crossword puzzle on my trip too.


I think I'm going to sign up for Cooper's Baby Boomer 50+ Expo...I can attend now...yes...now that I'm 50 I can attend this Expo...and if it is going to help me live longer...be social...I better sign up...Aging in Style...aging in style...aging in style...wow...stylish...fountain of youth...long life...as my father used to say, "if you've got your health...you are rich"...my father had good advice for longevity...I knew I should have listened to him when I was younger.

Judi

An Enchanted Evening

I took Thursday evening off this past week...no working...no blogging...nope...I was going to relax...my son asked me if I wanted to watch Enchanted...the Disney animated movie that I had rented from Blockbuster more than a week ago...the movie that I had originally hoped to see at the theaters...the movie that I missed because I was too busy...but now it was time to sit back and watch a fairytale...I was in the mood to lose myself in a fairytale.

I sat down in my lounge chair...put my feet up on the hassock...got a cup of my Chamomile tea...and a piece of my sister-in-law's fabulous chocolate chip cake (don't know how she keeps those chips from falling to the bottom of the cake...but it is truly delicious and you get a chip in every bite...and there is also a thick chocolate icing too...yummy)...and I lost myself in an Enchanted evening.

As the animation unfolded and the birds began to sing, my son said to me..."I do love Disney fairytales"..."Ah,yes," I said, "I do too, I do too"...of course he proceeded to fall asleep after the first 30 minutes...while I was glued to every scene...from the moment Giselle began to sing...and the birds began to chirp...and then she met her Prince...yes...just like the best fairytales.

But then...but then...this animation came to life...yes...Giselle and the other characters came to life...wow...and they came to life in Manhattan...wow...my favorite city...and then Giselle met another fabulous guy...wow,wow,wow...who was played by Patrick Dempsey (Mr. McDreamy)...this movie just got better and better...of course there were ups and downs that Giselle had to face along her fairytale journey...like the evil queen Narissa...but she had a cute chipmunk to help her...and Robert (Mr. McDreamy) to guide her...and Robert's cute daughter gave her a credit card to go shopping for a dress to go to the ball (an unlimited credit card I might add)...what a fairytale this was...oh...what a fantastic fairytale.

So...as I sat and watched and lost myself in this Enchanted evening...I realized that as I approach my 50+ years...it is still great to lose yourself in fairytales...even if they don't come true in real life...at least it's a great way to have an Enchanted evening.

Judi

P.S. - When I awoke this morning...Saturday morning...I heard the birds singing outside my window...and for a moment...before I opened my eyes...I thought of Giselle...when she started to sing...the birds and bees came into her house and cleaned it all up...they did her laundry...they tidied things all up.

I started to think of what song I could sing...yes...before I opened my eyes I tried to remember the song that Giselle sang...but I forgot...my 50 year old brain just couldn't recall the song...then I opened my eyes...no fairytale ending for me today...nope...guess I'll have to do my own laundry and clean my own house myself this weekend.