Helicopter Graduation

It's been almost one whole week...one entire week since my daughter...my 22 year old daughter...graduated from college...yep...I survived four years of college...well...I guess she did too...I'm so proud of her...and I'm so proud of me...and my husband would be so proud of us too...if he were here today...but I know he is looking down on both of us and smiling.

"She did it," I thought as she accepted her diploma among thousands of Penn State graduates last Sunday afternoon...yes...it was raining...and the weather was cold up in Happy Valley..."I did it too," I thought as I congratulated myself and paid the final bursar bill(well...not exactly the last college bill ever...as I still have to cover the cost of her apartment until the lease is up in August...let's not talk about that right now)...and we went out to dinner and had her celebratory good-bye to college life...and her honorary welcome into adulthood.

For the past 22 years I have been hovering...yes...I have been a hovering helicopter parent...hovering over her pre-school years...and her elemementary years...hovering over middle school and high school too...and then...and then...finally hovering over her college years...her four years of college...hovering when she didn't get the perfect grades...hovering when college roommates caused mayhem...hovering when the boyfriends were good...and when relationships turned sour...hovering over formal dresses (I especially liked shopping for dresses and am sure this will continue)...hovering when she spent a semester abroad in Italy...hovering especially when she lost her cellphone during her semester abroad in Italy...yes...this helicopter parent did a whole lot of hovering over the past 22 years.

And now...now it is time to stop hovering...while my daughter is moving back home for awhile...that is until she finds a job...it is time to stop hovering (however...I will have to teach her to use the vaccuum cleaner attachments so she can vaccuum all the dust out of her room...that is before she gets a job and moves out again...so I can redecorate and turn it into my creative writing den...or my exercise room...well maybe I will use her brother's room for the creative writing den when he leaves for college...and her room for my mindful meditation...whatever I decide...I still want it dust-free).

Yes...it's time for the lift off...it's time for my daughter to enter her first adulthood...to go out and find her true self...find her first job (which she will do...yes...I keep telling her there is a job with her name on it...and it might just be in NYC...and if it's not the perfect job...she can always make a change...that's what you do in your first adulthood).

It's time for the lift off...yes..it's time for my amazing, talented, beautiful daughter to enter her first adulthood...time to capture her true spirit...to determine her true strengths...to put one foot in front of the other and conquer the world...just like her helicopter mom did when she graduated almost 29 years ago.

And you know what...you know what...I want to say to my amazing, talented, beautiful daughter...don't worry...because if you don't make all your dreams come true the first time around...you can always make them happen in your second adulthood...yes...when you turn 50...the confusion and excitement start all over again...so don't worry...just lift those wings on your first adulthood...because whatever you want to do...it's all up to you.

Judi

50 Is the New 50

"50 is the new 50" according to Suzanne Braun Levine...I heard Suzanne speak today at the Forum of Executive Women Leadership Conference...I couldn't stop taking notes during her lunchtime session...her words resonated and reverberated in my head...and in my heart and in my soul...I just kept writing them down...every word...and along with every other 50 year old in the audience...I was shaking my head every time she spoke another sentence...yes...yes...yes...I wanted to say to her...that's me...that's me.

Suzanne is a former editor of Ms. Magazine and author of "Inventing The Rest of Our Lives, Women in Second Adulthood"...no wonder I can identify with her every word...I am 50...and I am getting ready to invent the second half of my life.

Suzanne says that "ages 25 - 50 make up our first adulthood and our 50+ years make up our second adulthood...only the second time around we're tougher, smarter and more independent." (Yep, that's me...I'm definitely tougher than I was when I was in my 20's or 30's or even 40's...and I'm smarter too...and definitely more independent...I'm on my own now...a widow who has to make her own choices without a soulmate to consult for advice...not sure I like this independence...it's different...sure will be interesting to see how my life evolves in the second half...wonder if it will be as rewarding as the first...wonder what new people I will meet...what new friendships I will form.)

Suzanne says we...meaning the 50 year old women of today..."are defining this new stage of life by living it...in fact...we are redfining what it means to be 50+...redefining our work...redefining our intimacy...redefining our entire lives...and we 50+ women are happy to be here and excited about what lies ahead." (Yep...that's me...I'm happy to be here now that I've arrived at the big 5-0...I am a little fearful about what lies ahead...but as the leader of my weekly bereavement group always says...if I can survive losing a spouse...I am a pretty strong person.)

Suzanne says that "the beginning of this second adulthood is not neat...that you begin to feel restless...everything is thrown into confusion"...she says that "people may say 'you act weird - that's not like you'...it must be menopause...but that it really is not a hot flash...but a power surge." (I really like that term 'power surge'...yep...that is what I'm going through...although I think I'm also having hot flashes too...especially last night when I woke up at 3:00 am and had to open the windows and throw off my covers...I was so hot.)

Suzanne says that at this age that while we may say, "I don't care what people think anymore"....what we really are saying is that "I do care what people think, but I care more about what I think"...it's all about defiance...you do things you never thought you could or would do before. (Oh Suzanne...how true...how true...I am tired of being the daughter...the mother...the caretaker...I am starting to behave in a way that I never thought I would...yes...this was the year I bought my first strapless dress...and this was the year I started to blog about my life...reveal my authentic self to the entire blogosphere...and this is the year I just went and bought a condo on the corner...my very own condo on the corner of a beach block...all by myself...wow...wow...wow...I am empowered...just like you said...ready to conquer my new world of second adulthood and embrace my biggest fears.)

Suzanne says that "you start to be able to say 'NO' to authority...to say 'NO' in situations...even when everyone else may be saying 'YES'...that you're not the obedient person that you once were." (I am very good at saying 'YES'...but I must admit that I'm not very good at saying 'NO'...but I'm going to try to say 'NO' more often...yes...now that I'm fiftysomething I'm going to try to say 'NO' whenever I want...I think I will keep a 'NO' list and see how many 'NO's' I tally up this month.)

Suzanne says "you begin to focus on living life authentically...that you shed the imposter syndrome...you are who you are...now that you have finished spending your whole life going from role to role...daughter to wife to mother...now the roles are totally open." (My roles are changing...not sure what exactly my new roles are or will be...but they are definitely not the same roles as before...no...I am creating new roles for myself...and just like Suzanne says..."now when I make up my to do list...I'm adding myself to that list...and making sure that I am not at the bottom...in my second adulthood I'm going to be right at the top...okay...maybe not right at the top...not just yet...but I'm going to eventually get there...I may even purchase a lounge chair for my condo on the corner...and on my to do list...I may write a specific amount of time I am going to spend in that lounge chair each weekend.)

And finally...Suzanne says that "female friendships are most important during second adulthood...that when we are together with our friends we generate positive hormonal reactions...similar to the way our body reacts when we eat chocolate." (I agree...I cherish my female friends...they are such accomplished women...such talented women...at this point in my life I definitely would rather spend my time with my female friends than spend it consuming a box of chocolates.)

I was so energized when I left the lunchtime session today...I went and bought Suzanne's book and she autographed it...I can't wait to read it cover to cover...then I'm going to go check out her website at www.suzannebraunlevine.com...and then I'm going to call some of my female friends...and maybe then I'll do the laundry...or maybe not...maybe I'll put that on the bottom of my next 'to do' list...after all...I can do whatever I please at this age...it's all up to me.

Judi

Note to all my readers...you can now also find me blogging on the 50-Something Moms Blog - A Flash of MidLife Madness.

A Wonderful Mother's Day Present

My son and I awoke early this sunny Mother's Day morning...yes...I set the alarm for 6:30 am...time to rise and shine for our annual walk in the Susan B.Komen Race for the Cure in Philadelphia...the yearly day my son and I walk together...the course was different this year...we started at the same spot in front of the Philadelphia Art Museum...but after the parkway stroll...it turned off in a different direction...not the usual turn...or usual street...this year we headed in a new direction...yes...this year there was a newness to our walk.

But, my son and I kept up pace...we walked together...we talked together...we ran a bit (that is until my 50 year old knees started to hurt)...and jutted in-between people...we jutted between those who walked in celebration of their moms who had survived breast cancer...and those who walked in memory of their moms and grandmoms who hadn't survived...it was a moving morning in many ways.

And as I walked...I felt closer to these survivors...yes...this year, while I am not a breast cancer survivor...I felt like my son and I were survivors too...yes...with all the losses we had been through since our last Mother's Day...the loss of my husband (his father) and my mother-in-law (his nana)...our walk felt really different this year...not just because of the different sights and sounds...or the new Comcast skyscraper we passed...it felt different because we were survivors who were moving our feet forward step by step...and we were not only keeping up pace...we were outpacing many around us.

"What's my present?" I said to my son as we crossed the finish line at 54 minutes to be exact..."What's my Mother's Day present?"

"Your present," he said, "Your present is having me here with you...walking with you for one entire hour...talking with you for one entire hour...being with you for one entire hour...on a Sunday morning...when I normally would be and should be sleeping...the presence of my company on this early Sunday morning is your Mother's Day present."

"Hmm, hmm, hmm," I thought, "I couldn't think of a better present than having my 17 year old...soon to be 18 year old son walking beside me...and talking beside me...yes...talking beside me in person...without his cell phone on his ear...or without some other distracting piece of electronic equipment on his head or in his hands." This is a wonderful Mother's Day present...a truly wonderful Mother's Day present...I couldn't ask for a better present...and when he gave me a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek as we finished the race...it made my Mother's Day morning even more special.

Next year my son will be in college...hope he will come home to walk with me...to talk with me on the second Sunday in May..Mother's Day just wouldn't be the same without his present.

Judi

Little Condo on the Corner.

I can't wait for summer...I can't wait for summer...that's because I just bought a summer home...yep...I did it...I signed on the dotted line...I took the big step...I fell in love...in love with the beautiful beach house at the Jersey shore...I fell in love with the glistening sand when my foot touched the softness...I fell in love with the big waves when I heard them crashing...I fell in love with the seagulls and the sandpipers...and I fell in love with the little condo on the corner...on the corner of a beach block...with a bicycle path that leads to town...a little town...with a sandwich shop...and a bagel shop...and a sundries shop...I fell in love with it all.

I asked my mom to send along some of my baby pictures for a project I am working on...funny that all the pictures she sent were from my early years at the beach where we used to spend our summers when I was a kid...there are pictures of me building sandcastles...there is one picture where I must be about 4 years old and I am wading in the water and running from the waves...there is another picture of me in my white hoodie sweatshirt sitting cross-legged on the beach...must have been a cold day...but I was at the beach...each picture is different...yet...they all have one thing in common...it is my smile...my smile on my face...complete with two dimples...one in each cheek.

I think the beach has a way of making me smile...that's why I barely hesitated when I left the Jersey shore two weeks ago..."Life is short," I thought to myself..."Life is fleeting," I said..."I'm 50, if not now...then when?"..."You can do this...you are ready," I said encouragingly (and with a little coaxing)...as the Nike ad says, "Just Do It"...so I did...I took the plunge...all by myself...and I bought the little condo on the corner...I signed on the dotted line...only one line this time...my husband wasn't there to sign on the other one...no...I was sad that his signature would no longer be next to mine...but I built up my courage...and I signed it on my own.

And as I thought about my little condo on the corner...I especially thought about the table in the kitchen...that's because it is a round table...not like the rectangular table in my kitchen at home...not like the rectangular table that forever has an empty seat where my husband used to sit. At my little condo on the corner...my beach house...the table will always be full..full of hope for the future for me and my children...with new memories to create for us all.

Yes...there are a lot more smiles for me in my fifty-something years...and if anyone asks about my wrinkles...I'll just tell them they are dimples from all my smiling.

Judi

Note to all my readers...you can now also find me blogging on the 50-Something Moms Blog - A Flash of MidLife Madness..