The Dynamic Dodge

I'm off this week to visit my mom...my mom in Florida. I'm looking forward to the trip...to taking some time off to slow down. I'm looking forward to celebrating my mom's 87th birthday. She turned 87 last week. I'm so lucky to have my mom...my mom who has nurtured me throughout my 50 years...yes...all 50 years. Now it is time to nurture her.

Her car died last week. Not that she was driving it much. She stopped driving about seven years ago. My sister and I always wanted her to give up that old car...especially when she stopped driving. But, she could not let it go. She always thought that some day she might be able to drive again. It's my mom's optimistic attitude that made her keep the car...yes, she really thought she would drive again.

"We can't take the car away from her," said my sister. "Not until she is ready."

The Dynamic Dodge survived several hurricanes, even the big hurricane a few years ago. Yes, as the wind and rain blew out my mother's glass doors in her living room and damaged her porch shutters...the 1998 Dodge stood sturdy. "Did the hurricane take away the car?" I remember my husband asking, "Is the car gone?" "Nope," I remember replying, "The Dynamic Dodge is still humming along."

But, last week the transmission gave way. My mom called to tell me that the Dynamic Dodge had finally died. "I think I'm going to have to give up the car," my mom said with a positive voice, "I think it is time. J (my mom's caregiver who drives her around in her car) thinks it is the transmission." "Yes, mom," I said, "I think it is time to relinquish the Dynamic Dodge. I know it must be a tough decision."

My mom, being the resourceful person that she is, found someone who wanted the Dynamic Dodge (likely for it's parts). He even paid her $150 for it. She was so excited. She told her caregiver J to spray the doors with oil so that they would open and close properly without making noise. This way, when the guy came to pick up the car he would see that the Dynamic Dodge still had working car doors.

"He didn't even open the doors," said my mom after she sold the car. "The guy came, gave me the $150 (cash of course said my mom) and didn't even open the doors. He just put the car up on the truck and drove off."

Good-bye to the Dynamic Dodge. I called Hertz to rent a car for my visit. It will be a major change as I step on the accelerator and know that my mom and I will be able to do our daily 'Florida visit' rituals without the potential of having to arrange a tow for the Dynamic Dodge. Yes, I have so many memories of stalling out in the parking lot...

- at the local Wal-Mart (where we go to look for slippers and can never find the exact ones my mom likes.)
- at the local Kmart (where we go after we go to Wal-Mart and try to find the exact slippers that my mom likes...Kmart never has these slippers either. Frankly, I don't think they make the slippers anymore.)
- at my mom's favorite Chinese restaurant(where we always arrive by 6:00 pm to get the early bird special.)
- at Dunkin Donuts (where we enjoy a cup of coffee and a muffin...I get the low-fat blueberry muffin which is not as good as the full-fat banana nut muffin that my mom usually gets.)
- at J.C. Penney's in the mall where we go to purchase clothes one day and return them the next (my mom cannot try on the clothes in the store anymore...it is too difficult with her walker...but we buy the clothes anyway and I drive back the next day to return them.)
- at the $2.00 movie theatre (where they play old movies that we both have not seen.)

Yes, it will be different without the Dynamic Dodge in both our lives. This time as we sit at TooJays Deli and The Olive Garden (the other hot spots where we dine during my 'Florida visits'), I'm sure we'll reminisce about our days with the Dynamic Dodge. It will be fun...and this time, we'll be able to laugh about it. This time, we won't have to bring out the AAA card at the end of dinner. "Just the check please," I'll say to the waiter, "thank you, we'll just have the check."

Judi

Seasons Change

I woke yesterday morning and put on my turtleneck and corduroy pants. There was finally a chill in the air. I went out to get my paper and finally noticed all the leaves that are falling all over my lawn. I miss the summer weekends at the shore, but I do love to see the beautiful red and golden leaves change on all the trees. It is one of my favorite times of the year.

This weekend marked my 10th month as a widow. Yes, it's been 10 months since my husband passed away. Actually 17 months since he first took ill and went into the hospital. That's when I really lost my husband. I have now gone through 10 months without him. My 50th birthday, Valentine's Day, Passover, Mother's Day, Father's Day, his birthday, two graduations, two summers without his fabulous July 4th and Labor Day barbecues (I did try to have my own July 4th barbecue down at the shore. That was a total disaster. We ended up with lighter fluid burgers instead of barbecue burgers), the Jewish New Year, and now Fall 2008.

Ah yes, how could I forget...what about all the sleepless nights and peri-menopausal symptoms I also have gone through without having my husband by my side to complain to or to console me. (I'm like the girl in Christina Aguilera's new song...some days I'm a 'Super Bitch' and some days I'm a 'Super Lady').

Yes, I've been managing. I've been through the stages of denial, regret, anger. Now, I'm facing reality...the day to day without him...knowing that he will never return. There are less tears to shed.

"My body aches," I told the doctor a few weeks ago. "Some days it aches so much I don't want to get out of bed."

"Your blood tests are all fine," she said, "I think your body is depressed."

"What, what...de...de...de...depressed?" I said to myself, How could it be? Nothing's wrong with me? I'm 'Super Woman'...okay, okay, sometimes 'Super Bitch' and 'Super Lady'...but I don't think I'm de...de...depressed. Could my body be depressed? Why would it be depressed? Let's see what might be causing these aches or pains:

- I lost my husband of almost 25 years.
- I'm a workaholic sometimes...sometimes...sometimes...okay...most of the time.
- I'm not sleeping because of all these hormones in my body that are going crazy from peri-menopause.

I'm on a roll...I'm feeling better already...the tension is releasing from my body as I let all this de...de...pression out of it. What else is causing these aches and pains...let it out Judi...let it out and you'll feel better:

- The bamboo is growing around all of my beautiful trees in my backyard and I have to get it cut down before it engulfs them and I have several big trees falling on my house.

- The beautiful leaves are falling all over my lawn and my new landscaper won't answer my calls to tell me if he is going to rake them. I even sent him a note with my payment...but he just doesn't call. Doesn't he know that I have aches in my shoulder's because he doesn't call. Maybe I should send him a note with the next payment and tell him he is contributing to my depressed body. "You go girl!"

- My house needs a new roof. And I think it needs a new heater too. And since the housing market is as depressed as my body is right now, I think I better fix up my house instead of selling it. My contractor says I have two roofs on my house and he cannot put a third roof on top of the other two...soooo....soooo...that means my new roof will be a bigger job. (DId I also say that during the past 10 months I've learned something new almost every day?). As for the new heater, I think I'm going to get a new energy efficient heater...especially since during the second half of my life I want to do whatever I can to use less energy...in fact, maybe I should ask the contractor about a solar roof.)

- I can't find the key to my snowblower. I have a beautiful snowblower in my garage. I'm afraid to look in the Farmer's Almanac...hopefully, it doesn't predict too much snow this winter. Luckily, I'm such a packrat and save all my major appliance receipts. I do hope the company that my husband purchased the snowblower from is still in existence. And I do hope that my snowblowing skills are better than my barbecuing skills. (I am determined to become better at barbecuing. I did get my Girl Scout grilling badge when I was younger...let's see...how many years ago was that?)

- And finally, finally, one more thing...did I say that my 401K has probably lost a third of it's value along with my other savings? Plus, I just paid a significant fee to a financial advisor to assess all my assets. All I can say about this is "ha, ha, ha!" As my friend R says, "We make plans and God is up there laughing."

Sooo, what's a 'Super Bitch', 'Super Lady', 'Super Woman'....going to do with her achy, breaky 50 year old body? Yes, what am I going to do about my depressed body to make it feel better?

"I think you should try some medication," said the doctor, "many women of your age can benefit from anti-depressants. It will help you manage your peri-menopausal symptoms too."

"Okay," I said, "Okay." At this age, being able to ask for help is making me stronger...and thankfully, I'm getting stronger every day. (And besides, so what if the side effects say 'could cause sleeplessness'...what's another fewer hours of sleep?)

Yes, throughout these 10 months I'm learning to live on my own and relying on my own instincts...instincts that I've built up over the past 50 years of my life...I'm not doing too bad...nope....not too bad at all.. I just have to ease up on myself a bit more. Take better care of my mind and body too. So glad I decided to have that massage on Friday night and so glad I decided to go see Donna and have a fall facial yesterday. Yes, this depressed body needs some tender loving care.

It's Fall 2008. Think I'll play that Hall & Oates song this morning and maybe I'll bake some corn muffins or whole wheat french toast for Sunday breakfast as I sing the chorus:

Seasons change, people change
But you can’t hold back the clock
Cause time won’t stop for you and me
And the world keeps spinning ’round

Judi

Happiness

I've been thinking about happiness lately.

What makes me happy...let's see. Flowers make me happy. I love to have lots of flowers around my house and in my office...but I haven't bought myself any flowers in months...need to start buying flowers again.

What else makes me happy...let's see. A big bowl of angel hair pasta with Victoria marinara sauce makes me happy. Yes, I do love my pasta and I love to sprinkle freshly grated Parmesan cheese over it too...ooh...that's yummy...that really makes me happy. Add a glass of Pino Grigio and all that would make me happier is enjoying it in Italy.

Sitting on my deck in the sunshine makes me happy...so glad I was able to do just that this weekend. I watched the squirrels scampering around my backyard...that makes me happy too. Watching the bunnies hop around makes me even happier...pure joy...pure joy. Although, I would be truly happy if I had my big deck umbrella to put up to block the sun. I don't have my umbrella because my son decided to leave it outside all summer and some bees decided they would build a nest in the umbrella and then we had to throw it out. Bees do not make me happy...never did and never will. I only like the honey they produce.

I listened to Cathy Greenberg, Ph.D, last week at one of the many women's conferences I have attended lately. I listened intently because she is the author of "What Happy Women Know" and I want to be a happy woman. She talked all about 'happiness traps'...there were six of them:

1. Wanton Wanting - getting things you don't really need (ahh, yes, I did buy a bunch of clothes this weekend...not sure I needed all of them...I was happy right after I bought them...and when I got home I cleaned out my closet ...emptied out all my old clothes that don't fit me anymore...that made me even happier...no, I didn't throw out the Ralph Lauren suit from the '80s...too many memories...I think I will keep it forever...maybe eventually it will come back in style...then I will be really happy).

2. People Pleasing - peace keepers...we make connections (yep, that's me...I try to keep the peace all the time...have been doing it since I was a teen...yep, I get into that happiness trap quite a bit).

3. If Only I Were - this is a fun trap (hmm, if only I were younger, if only I were taller, if only my nose was smaller, if only I had straight hair without any gray hairs, if only I had less wrinkles. That's enough of this trap...if, if, if.)

4. What Would I Be Without - this trap is a tough one to conquer (maybe because I'm in the middle of finding out - what would I be without my husband - yes, I'm finding out - I'm strong, I'm weak...I'm weak, I'm strong.)

5. Holding A Grudge - Dr. Greenberg says "if you don't forgive you are stressing your body." (I don't want to carry anger and stress with me. I want to be happy. At 50, I very rarely hit this trap anymore.).

6. Circling the Career Track - Dr. Greenberg says that the last happiness trap is getting wound up in your career. (I am pretty wound up in my career...have been for the past 25 years...but, I'm trying to conquer this trap too. I do need more time for relaxation. Maybe if I learned how to relax more I would be happier. Maybe if I would relax more and do more yoga and be able to do the dog and the pigeon asanas I would be happier.)

I think tomorrow I'm going to conquer one of these happiness traps. I think I'm going to treat myself and go to Starbucks on the way to work and try out some of their new Perfect Oatmeal for breakfast. I just read that you can get different toppings like brown sugar, nuts, and dried fruit toppings on the oatmeal. I'm getting happier just thinking about it. I might even leave early and read my New York Times at Starbucks while I eat my oatmeal and drink my coffee.

Better get to sleep so I can wake up in the morning and go get my oatmeal. Maybe I'll even sleep better knowing that I'm going to wake up and be happier tomorrow morning.

Judi

The Book of Life

This week is a special week. It's the Jewish New Year and the holy week when God will decide if he is going to write me in The Book of Life for the coming year. I aways try to be on my best behavior this week. I hope that God will see all the good that I have done and do for others and write me (and my entire family) in The Book of Life for the coming year. I so want to celebrate my 51st birthday.

I guess last year he decided not to include my late husband. Wonder why he decided not to write him in The Book of Life? He was a great person, a kind person, a wonderful person...why didn't he write him in The Book of Life? Didn't he know it would make me very angry and sad?

I actually cooked this week for the Jewish New Year. I baked my traditional challah for the holiday. It didn't rise as high as it usually does...but it rose high enough and was simply delicious. I had such joy during this yearly bread baking. I decided that bread baking is very relaxing and maybe I should bake bread more often. I loved kneading the dough...getting out all the stress and frustration in my body...I pounded it with a tight fist.

I baked a chicken too...with roasted vegetables - baby carrots, new potatoes and cipollini onions. I also roasted several garlic cloves. My husband used to love garlic. I'm not a garlic lover...but I roasted the garlic to honor my late husband and I ate a roasted clove too. It brought back memories of the time my late husband and I visited Carmel, California...one of our favorite spots in the world...we had lunch in a cafe and ate roasted garlic with aged balsamic vinegar...oh, how wonderful it was...we finished a whole head of roasted garlic at the time...it was just scrumptious. It was one of the only other times that I ate a clove of garlic.

I bought fresh thyme and rosemary to season the chicken. Oh, how my late husband loved cooking with fresh rosemary. In fact, on my way home from New Year services, I stopped by his gravesite for a visit...and I sprinkled some rosemary on his grave as I shared a new year's wish.

For dessert I bought my family's favorite blueberry crumb pie from the local farmer's market. It was a perfect ending to our New Year meal.

My husband would have been so proud of my cooking. My kids actually said it was really good. Surprise, surprise, surprise...mom can cook. She just doesn't do it very much. But, now that I don't have my better half, who used to make all the fabulous meals, I think I'm going to have to open Julia Childs' cookbook a little more often.

I do hope I'm written in The Book of Life this year...I have lots more cooking I want to do in the second half of my life.

Judi